Balloons are deflated
Guess they look lifeless like me
We miss you on your side of the bed
Still got your things here
And they stare at me like souvenirs
Don't wanna let you out my head
That wretched song has been playing throughout Milady’s house without end for almost an entire week now, ever since she came back from the Little Lady. I, Lorgar Erebus Aurelian, find my days tormented by the nonexistent melody of that god-awful song.
She hasn’t been the same. Usually Milady is strict and uptight (a far cry from the Omma and her household, or the Little Lady and hers), yet now I, Lorgar Erebus Aurelian, find myself missing her usual restrictions. She doesn’t even feed me properly. I, Lorgar Erebus Aurelian, survive off the scraps of her meals and sometimes, when I, Lorgar Erebus Aurelian, am fortunate enough for her to be reminded by her headvoice of my existence, she even grants me meals. Yet, I, Lorgar Erebus Aurelian see that they are with granted with little care for variety. It was minced meat four days ago. Then it was beef cubes, with some beef stock poured on top (cold, mind you!). Then, for two days (two days in a row!) it was – once more!!! – minced meat!
I, Lorgar Erebus Aurelian, find myself longing for the Omma’s household. There I always receive all the attentions expected by me at adequate times and in fair fashion. It’s not like here, where I, Lorgar Erebus Aurelian, sometimes gaze upon the birds of the sky and am reduced by hunger to daydreaming of the juices within their bones.
Milady should have just left me there.
I languished at the Omma’s household there after Milady threw me out of the car after we had that detour so she could check-up on those friends of hers. Those filthy bastards by the lake put their dirty hands on me, locked me in a cage and had me locked up in a bright-lit room for an entire night before I was brought to the Omma’s household where, despite the clearly tense atmosphere, I was looked after and nourished for three blissful weeks, until Milady returned from the Little Lady and brought me here, to her territory on this queer island of hers.
I must confess that I initially enjoyed Milady’s decision to bring me here. Ryadh is a lovely place, yet so crowded! All the rightful attention gets rather overwhelming once you’ve had your full. For the first week, I enjoyed the freedom granted by Milady. I had walks around Milady’s territory and inspected my own pockets of ownership. I battled the native birds and was even challenged by one of these wretched hawks. He left a scar on my forehead, yet escaped before I could finish him (which I clearly would have, had he not shown himself to be more craven than raven).
I enjoyed Milady’s distress at the sight of my wound, for it made me feel loved.
That was all the attention I received, after all.
Milady has not left the island since our arrival. Quite frankly, she almost never leaves the house. Whenever she does, all she does is stare down at the marina below, yet she always returns to her house in a rage when the sun begins to set. Her schedule is distressingly chaotic. She used to make her way to the chambers beneath her house, where she will fight the humans with the strange temperature that are to be found down there. I once made the mistake of sipping their blood from the floor after she was done with them and can still taste their acidic gore in the back of my throat when I think of them. She fought them often in the first week, but then she grew tired of them.
Nowadays, she rarely ventures there.
Mostly, she will sit in one of the house’s chambers or on some terrace, where she will simply stare off into the distance as she smokes cigarettes and blasts music through the entire house. You can hear her song even on the outskirts of her territory. I should know. I’ve tried getting away from the damned ruckus one time too many! Over time, I have begrudgingly become accustomed to it.
As is typical of Milady, just when some semblance of a rhythm befell her, she began stirring the pot of disharmony.
Two men came to the house.
I recognized neither of them. One came in a box and the other came in the shuttle in whose trunk lay said box. Milady greeted the man in the shuttle, whom I realized she had summoned a few days before, when the music had stopped suddenly during the afternoon.
I jumped up into of those accursed dragon trees when I saw the shuttle approach and observed their exchange.
‘Miss Mira al-Sayid, I presume?’
Milady had nodded. ‘Mister Theobald Gaudin?’
‘Fiobield is how you’d say it, miss. My friends call me Bield, which you are more than welcome to do!’
He was one of those Hyperborean humans. A very talkative people they were. They all seemed to have that strange sing-song voice some humans had. Wippity- wopity-machielni-macopi...
Though, he was rather short and scrawny for a Hyperborean. Most of them were quite large, many were even larger than Milady’s people.
‘Your package is in the back. I’ve got one of those movers set-up on the box, so you won’t have to bother with it. Where do you want it to go?’ he asked in his sing-song voice.
Milady responded, ‘There’s a room facing the ocean on one of the lower levels,’ she instructed.
‘Very well, the mover will take it there? Is the road clear?’
Milady nodded.
‘Good! You’re going to want to inspect him.’ With those words, the Hyperborean man opened up a small latch on the front of the box, revealing the man that stood unmoving within. ‘Male. Forty-Seven years old – well, by your Terran count, at least. His name is... lemme check that...’ He fumbled through his Hyperborean clothes and pulled out a notepad. ‘... Ketalin Elarfials Durq.’
‘Where’s he from?’ Milady asked, as she looked through the latch at the man within.
‘Avallon, as most human ones are – well... at least the ones I deal in! You insisted on a human one, I believe?’
Milady nodded.
‘Excellent. I was just making sure. It’s hard to get an actual imperial and the Alliance prefers it that their own deviants get dealt with via the instruments of the state. So, it’s mostly Avalloni, with a few others thrown in the mix when the market gets flooded by some new shipment.’
‘Flooded?’ Milady inquired.
‘Oh, yes, miss! Every so often they find a new world with unseeded humans – such as your own people – and the first thing they do is weed out all the undesirables. If it’s the Urheimat doing the discovering, they just get processed instantly by the system and it’s hard to smuggle any of them out. But, if it’s anyone else, they either sell or pass them on to us and, if they don’t, we just grease a few cogs here and there and we get them anyways. The bulk of them, at least.’
‘I see.’ Milady’s eyes wandered for a moment. ’Yes!’ she seemed to softly remember. ‘Your payment!?’
‘I sent the invoice over yesterday and the payment came through instantly. I believe there was a mistake on your end. You seem to have forgotten the deposit you paid when you made the order! Thus, the sum received was larger than what was invoiced, so I attempted to send what was on top back to your account, yet your payment processor denied my attempt.’
‘There was no mistake. I understand that you are a man of principle that only delivers quality. I am certain the sum was well earned.’ Milady even attempted a disheartened smile out of the corner of her mouth.
‘Well... thank you very much! But it’s a lot of money!’
‘Money isn’t a problem.’
‘I’ve heard.’ The Hyperborean glanced at Milady’s house. ‘You can keep the mover then! I’ve got plenty and I know people like being private about the whole process. Well... people like you, at least.’
Milady nodded. ‘Thank you, Mister Gaudin!’
She made to leave, but the Hyperborean interjected rudely. ‘Uhm! My apologies, Miss al-Sayid! There is one more thing I must ask of you!’
‘What might that be?’
‘The market is heavily regulated and the law requires that both you and I are aware of the package’s transgressions.’
Milady didn’t really seem to care. ‘I am aware.’
‘With all due respect, despite the fact that I know that you are aware, the law requires that I make sure that you are!’ The man raised the notebook in his hand towards Milady who, in a very uncharacteristic manner, hesitated for a moment, before reaching out and taking the notebook from his hand. She turned the screen to face her and pressed down on some symbol upon it.
From where I was situated, I could not see what Milady was looking at, yet I could hear some noises. It seemed to be a recording of human children playing one of their insufferable chasing games. I couldn’t tell if it was one child or several, yet all I could hear was that high-pitched screaming and the wailing stupid human girls make when they’re tickled. Milady stared silently at the screen as the girl squealed in some alien language. After a while, the noises changed and the girl went from screaming to mumbling, likely having had her voice grow hoarse.
Milady’s face never changed, yet she slowly passed the screen back to the Hyperborean man once the noises completely ceased.
‘Excellent!’ he said, before seemingly remembering something else. ‘D’you like Star Wars, Miss al-Sayid?’ he asked.
Milady was as clueless as I was. ‘What?’
‘Star Wars? Darth Vader? Luke Skywalker? All of that?’ he replied, as made his way to his shuttle. From within, he pulled out a roll of cloth wrapped around what appeared to be a selection of shiny sticks.
With one swift motion, the man unfurled the fabric, revealing it to be a kind of display case. The displayed objects appearing to be metal and ceramic rods, the largest of which seemed to be roughly the same size as my tail, though far less gorgeous.
‘These are Vanir replicas. Limited Edition. You see here?’ he pointed towards something written on the cloth. ‘Terran Star Wars Edition!’ he read out the words. ‘Darth Vader Red!’ he pointed towards the uppermost rod. ‘Luke Skywalker Blue!’ he pointed towards the one opposite the Darth Vader one. ‘I also have Luke Skywalker Green. Darth Maul Double Red. Ashoka Tano Dual White. Qui Gon –’
‘No!’ Milady interrupted him. ‘I’m not a Star Wars fan!’ She smiled curtly. ‘Thank you!’
‘Oh! I see!’ the Hyperborean man furled the cloth once more. He placed it back in his shuttle, before pulling out a –
Sword!
I was startled and so was Milady, visibly reaching towards her own side weapon.
The Hyperborean man was unfazed, however. ‘Lord of the Rings?’ the man asked, causing both myself and Milady to freeze.
‘What?’ Milady asked after shaking her head.
‘Anduril! Flame of the West! Reforged from the Shards of Narsil! Aragorn’s Sword from the Lord of the Rings movies!’
Milady released the hilt of her own blade before glaring at the Hyperborean merchant.
‘It’s custom made by a company in Triangulum that specializes in such merchandise. It has the same appearance as the original, though it is made from adamantite and it also has a few special features.’ He swung the sword in a very odd manner, causing it to –
Catch flame!
This time, only I flinched, for Milady had apparently understood the merchant’s intent. ‘No. It’s fine!’ she said.
‘I see! A bit to exaggerated. I understand!’ he pulled out a scabbard, pressed a button on the sword’s hilt, causing the flames to dissipate, and sheathed the blade, before placing it back in his vehicle and pulling out –
A hammer?
‘Ghal Maraz? The Warhammer?’ he asked.
Milady shook her head.
Then he pulled out another hammer and a shield.
‘Mjolnir? Captain America’s Shield?’ he gestured with each item as he presented them.
Milady shook her head once more.
He then pulled out another sword, this one far more rugged-looking.
‘Frostmourne? World of Warcraft?’
Milady shook her head once more and was clearly losing her patience.
The man was undeterred, instead now pulling out another sword. ‘A Hatori Hanzo sword? Kill Bill? Volumes I and II?’ he proposed.
‘I already have one.’
‘Very well!’ The merchant finally seemed to relent. He placed the last sword back in his shuttle, then paused. He reached out one more time and pulled out a small box. ‘Those I would’ve sold you, if you would have wanted them. However, this I can offer as a gift.’
He opened the box’s case towards Milady, revealing a rather small and bizarre... handgun?
‘A phaser! From Star Trek?’ The merchant didn’t even wait for a response. ‘In real combat it’s not so good, I know! They are very easily neutralized. But, they can muster up lethal force if they are active. They also have a ‘set to stun’ function’ – which you can activate with this little button, right here! You can also use it to watch movies, play music, set alarms and reminders, and it also tells the time. It’s approved by Terran regulation, since it cannot be used to broadcast and cannot receive external information. You charge it with the adapter located at the bottom of the case.’
He extended the gift towards Milady. ‘Free of charge!’
Milady begrudgingly accepted the gift and the man finally left.
She took the boxed man to a chamber beneath the house. It is a pleasant room, carved into the cliffside, with one wall overlooking the marina below. She placed a single table and a chamber before the great windows that opened to the outside, whilst leaving the box in the room’s center.
She then proceeded to cook the most wonderfully-smelling steak I have ever wiffed in my entire life, though she did pair it with fucking potatoes and that disgusting green rubber humans seem to fancy, as well as some rotten milk sauce. She brought this dinner to the room with the man in the box, together with a glass of red vinegar and a coat hanger bearing a bathrobe. After laying out a lavish dinner table facing the outside sea, she approached the man’s box and opened it.
The man inside had cables and wires sticking out of his holes. She began by removing the two wires wedged within his tear ducts. Then she pulled out the two cables going through his nostrils, then the cable going through his mouth, then the wire that travelled up his peeing pipe towards who-knows-where. Then the cable going into his poophole and, finally, she removed the two wires that reached into his ears. She then flipped the box and the man fell naked to the floor.
I wanted to give the man a good sniff, but Milady picked me up and brought me with her.
She brought me over to the room where she keeps all the sharp things which are not stored inside her kitchen. After placing me on the only couch she knows I find adequate in that particular room, she turned on the music on full blast. A song rang out, yet it was not to Milady’s favour and she quickly changed it to another song for which she did not seem to be in the mood for. It took a few more songs for her to find just the right one.
I can't get enough,
Told you I just want it all!
I can't get enough,
You ain't been doin' enough!
With the song blasting through the room, she began to walk in a way which caused me great and personal offense, for she seemed to be mimicking the movements of some clumsy cat. As the song went on, she gradually began to dance the way a clumsy cat with an ear infection might. Her movements were strange, as she seemed to combine her dancing with the selection of certain objects. First a club of some sorts, then several knives of many shapes and sizes, then a small axe, then a long stick...
You’re startin’ off fresh, man,
You feel out of pocket!
You fucked that girl you met at that party!
Her eyes opened a little bit too wide for a moment. She seemed to falter slightly, as something had somehow taken her away from her rhythm. I saw her close her eyes and resume her movements.
I still wanna be with you, trust me!
I know that's insane.
I'd rather fuck on you than fuck on lames!
I did some shit in Berlin –
Out of nowhere and with no warning, Milady stopped the music and slapped her hand down upon the table she had been placing her selection of blunt and sharp instruments on. The slap startled me and I jumped out from my place on the couch, but before I could inquire as the meaning of her gesture, Milady was already out of the room. Her movements were quite energetic and I became curious, so I jumped off the couch and sneakily followed her and I quickly figured out where she was going.
The room with the boxed man.
Who was no longer boxed. He was now clothed in the bathrobe provided by Milady and I could see that he had begun to enjoy the meal she had prepared for him.
He was in the process of turning his head towards the sound made by Milady’s entrance when she put a bullet in his head and one in his back in quick succession.
The gunshots startled me, yet I did not flinch, for I knew that the boxed man’s demise meant that I would be entitled to the leftovers of his last meal. However, I did wait for Milady to leave the room, which was what she did almost instantly after killing the boxed man. I saw her walk purposefully down the corridor, likely on her way to fetch one of the humans with the weird temperature to clean up the mess. Right as she turned the corner I trotted towards the table and my steak. Just as I prepared to jump onto the table, something caught my eye.
Blood! Real human blood!
I neared the dark puddle slowly, catching sight of my own reflection within. I seized the opportunity immediately, for I had never tasted the blood of a human before! As my whiskers touched the liquid, I felt it’s warmth and the feeling sent shivers down my spine. I could barely control myself as I leaned in to lick...
... and I found it to be awfully tart and very metallic...
Disappointed, I jumped onto the table and began devouring Milady’s gorgeously rare sirloin steak, being very careful to eat around the white rotten milk sauce.